All the world's a cricket field

All the world's a cricket field

and all the men and women merely cricketers.

They have their centuries and their ducks

and one man in his time plays many games

his matches consisting of seven innings.

At first the enthusiastic junior

Taking to the bat like a kitten to a ball of wool.

Then the fastly improving school boy

Standing out as the star player like a sore thumb

Leaving the 'pack' further and further behind, his talents speeding him ahead

Progressing further after a successful trial, on to the Ground Staff.

A taste of his dream approaches faster, with a game in the Second XI.

His dream has finally been fulfilled having several matches on the First XI under his belt.

At the peak of his physical career, he can run like a cheetah, and use the bat like Bradman.

He persistently seeks the ' Man of the Match' award

And then the regular team player

He has the experience of Hick

And at the peak of his mental ability he now outwits, not outhits, the opposition

He is full of educational experiences, and enhancing memories.

The sixth innings shifts into the weary and ageing phase.

Having been dropped several times from the First XI, his First Class career has been driven to a halt, but not just a halt- the end.

His regular place now stands on the veteran XI- the chances of selection for that are now even decreasing rapidly.

The end is in sight, but not before he hits that final six.

Sadly his glorious career has finally drawn to its close

He has lost the knack of his whole game.

The unforgettable centuries are nothing but distant memories- seeming like he hit them centuries ago

Loss of skill, loss of ability, loss of memory, loss of everything.

All the World's a snowboard run,

And all the men and women merely snowboarders,

They have their bumps and their jumps;

And one man in his snowboarding career won many medals,

His snowboarding being seven ages.

At first the skier ploughing and falling in the powder snow;

Then the beginner snowboarder, with his kneepads and his pillows stuck down his pants, sliding slowly like a snail unwillingly to the chair lift.

And then the birthday boy, getting his first snowboard, with a very pleased and big grin thanking his Mum and Dad.

Then a show off, taking off into the air, and then stalling like a shot pheasant,

Jealous in his mind, competes with the others in style,

Seeking a cool reputation,

Even on the water kicker.

And then a professional,

Pulling off big air tricks with his pockets bulging with big cash notes, and sponsored by famous board makes,

Full of stylish ideas and backside 720 nose grabs;

And so younger snowboarders follow his tracks.

The sixth age moves on to his retirement in snowboarding,

With his spectacles he watches the younger generation of snowboarders give it a go on the slopes,

As his muscles shrink he polishes his trophies,

Looking back at his exciting life.

Last stage of all,

That ends his wicked eventful history,

He rides down his last slope,

Sans board, sans bindings, sans boots, sans goggles, sans snow, sans everything.

And all the men and women are merely football players,

And one man in his time plays many positions,

At first the toddler playing with his Dad in the back garden on a warm summers day,

Then the school boy battered and bruised in the lashing rain kicking a football around in the playground,

Thirdly the laid back couch potato student, has a dream to play professionally but can't be bothered to get out of bed!

Next, the lazy fool is out of bed, shaped up and has trials for Carlisle United, it's a start.

Now the big headed, front page, cocky, arrogant, famous bad tempered, thong wearing football star who plays of course for one of the best teams in the world and has enough money to sink the QE2,

On to the next stage then and he's in his element after being knighted in his old age (even though he set about the worst example for English football ever) he commentates at live matches with a silly jug eared ex football star,

And the last but deadly stage, he's on the news again not for the first time ever but this time in rather different circumstances because the brilliant legend sadly died when he tried to kick a football but his legs gave way and broke his neck. His last words were "Can I wear my thong in the coffin?"

Sans football, sans money, sans thong, sans everything.